An Open Letter to Mark Cuban

Dear Mark,

I’m writing in regards to the upcoming decisions you will have tonight when the NBA Draft starts and your phone starts to ring. Mark I know you have a general manager who is supposed to handle all of this stuff but let’s both be honest, Donnie Nelson has no idea what he’s doing. So I thought we could just handle this man-to-man.

This is a big draft year, Mark. Sure, there’s not as much talent out there as you’d like. But the fact is, this team you’ve assembled is about to implode. There are almost no young players who can actually play and they’ve become one of the most unathletic teams in the NBA. What’s more, you’ve got no depth, Mark. None. If you’ll remember, each NBA team is allowed 15 players on their roster each year. I bring this up because at times I feel you think that it’s against the rules to have more than 10 useful players under contract at a time. Mark you had Matt Carroll on the 15 man roster this year. Matt Carroll. Do you realize you started Jose Juan Barea at shooting guard this year…in the playoffs? Look I like JJ as much as the next guy in the same way that I like my dog, Ali. He’s fun and furry (seriously one of the hairiest players in the league) and he provides some entertainment. And in the right situations he can be effective. But he’s not a starter in this league, Mark, not by a long shot and not anymore than Ali is to be honest.

Something has to be done, Mark. Your GM has no idea how to draft. He’s proven it time and time again. Two years ago, after this team got PUNKED in the first round by a terrible Golden State team, he proceeded to draft Nick Fazekas. I’m not sure if you even remember Fazekas, Mark, because he was proven to be the worst player in the league so fast that he was quickly dismissed. But still, your GM drafted that guy. The year before that, after the Mavs were exposed as being soft and too reliant on their outside shots, he drafted Maurice Ager, a guy who was by all accounts considered to be soft and too reliant on his outside shot. That’s just retarded, Mark. In the last 5 years your team has managed to draft just one lonely effective player (Devin Harris) and you traded him away. It’s got to change, Mark, and it has to start now.

Tonight Donnie Nelson is going to come to you at some point and tell you who he wants to draft. He might want Nick Calathes, a tall, unathletic white guy who’s going to have to play a year in Greece before he can come here. He may want Marcus Thornton who appears to be an exact replica of Maurice Ager. He may want Chase Budinger, another unathletic white guy who is a dead ringer for Keith Van Horn. You remember Keith Van Horn, right Mark? He was the tall, unathletic white guy that Avery Johnson foolishly sent in to guard Shaq in the 2006 Finals. Remember? You gave him somewhere around 4 free million dollars last year to get the Jason Kidd trade to go through. Do you really want that guy again? Worse yet, he may tell you he wants to draft a foreign player. Maybe a young French point guard who plays 12 minutes per game…in France.

Whatever it is Mark, whoever he wants, I’m begging you: please, please, please DO NOT listen. We all like Donnie and he’s a heckuva nice guy but you see, Mark, he’s got what I like to refer to as Acquisition Retardation. He just can’t figure out how to make a good move and this comes out every year during the draft. Don’t do it, Mark. Don’t listen to him. Think of him as you would Forrest Gump.” He sure is a likeable, friendly guy and I’m sure you’d love to have him around for interoffice ping pong games and backcountry witticisms. But would you want Forrest Gump making your roster decisions, Mark? You see what I mean.

Now you may ask yourself, Mark, “If I don’t listen to my GM, how will I know who to draft?” I’m going to help you out there, Mark. I’m going to help you on behalf of Mavs fans everywhere because the truth is, if you draft one more unathletic white guy, we’re all going to storm the streets like the townspeople in “Young Frankenstein.” The rest of the world is going to think the Detroit Red Wings just won the Stanley Cup because the riot is going to be so bad. There will likely be pitchforks and torches involved and it’s just going to be ugly. Let’s avoid that, Mark. Just for kicks, this one time, let’s not have AR (Acquisition Retardation) and let’s actually make a pick that makes sense. Whatdaya say, pal?

Here’s the guy, Mark. I want you to write this name down on a piece of paper and have it ready for the moment that Donnie Nelson tries to convince you to draft a Swedish midget who he thinks has a lot of upside. I want you to take that paper out of your pocket and just scream this name over and over until Donnie gets confused and leaves the room and then you can call in the name yourself. You have your paper ready?

Sam Young.

That’s really all you need to know, Mark, but just because we’re pals I’m going to tell you why you need to remember that name. Because, and I know this is going to sound crazy, Young actually addresses the weaknesses this team has had for years. I know! I know! Donnie’s been telling you for years that the way to fix weaknesses is to bring in other players who have the exact same weaknesses because, hey, they’ll spur each other on and it’ll even out right, hahaha?! NO. That’s wrong, Mark. That’s AR springing up again. You have to stop it, Mark, and the way you start to stop it is by drafting Sam Young.

Young is big and mean, Mark, the exact opposite of most of the wing players on this roster. He’s got a disposition that suggests he might be willing to rip a man’s arm off if it would help his team win and big muscles that indicate he could probably do just that. He can shoot a little, Mark, and get this, he actually makes good decisions on when to shoot and when not to shoot. That’s a rarity around here since Dirk Nowitzki is the only guy on the team who understands the difference between a good shot and a bad one. He can defend and when you add that to his ability to score he can really and truly play BOTH sides of the ball! Perhaps that puzzles you since there really is not one player currently employed by the Mavs who other teams have to think about both on offense and defense.

And get this, Mark: Young actually drives to the basket! He does, I’m telling you, it’s the craziest thing! He actually likes to go inside and dunk in some dude’s face instead of jacking up terrible, TERRIBLE jumpers time and time again! Somewhere in that crazy head of his he’s figured out that if you take a shot from 1 foot away there’s a much better chance of it going in that if you take a shot from 24 feet away! I was shocked, too, don’t worry. Young is tough as nails, Mark. At a workout a few weeks ago he had to have a piece of plastic surgically removed from his bicep because while doing a vertical leap test he got it lodged in his arm. We’re talking a flimsy piece of plastic, Mark. This dude jumped so high and slapped so hard that the plastic imbedded in his body. That’s never happened before, Mark. And then he was back working out right after the surgery, puss dripping all over the place. That’s TOUGH, Mark! That’s exactly what this team needs!

And here’s the best part: he’s almost certainly going to be available when it’s your turn to draft! If you can just remember to scream his name over and over while Nelson tries to talk you into someone else, things will start to get better here. I’m willing to come to your draft headquarters and bash Nelson on the head with an anvil if you want. I’m just saying, I’ll do anything to help this happen. My friend Jason has promised to buy a Young jersey and wear it to every pick up basketball game we have for a year if you will just call his name when pick number 24 rolls around. Take a cue from Obama, Mark, and just start chanting, “Yes we can! Yes we can!”

This isn’t going to fix everything, Mark. I don’t want you to get confused and think for a minute that by drafting one solid rookie who fixes some weaknesses your team has that you can then take the rest of the summer off. There’s a lot of work to be done this offseason, Mark. A lot of work. But this is the right place to start. Remember what we’ve talked about today, Mark. Remember that your GM has AR. Remember that he once drafted Nick Fazekas. Nick Fazekas Mark! Even that name makes me mad. How could anyone expect a guy named Fazekas to be a good NBA player?! Remember that if you draft another unathletic white guy or a foreign player 10 years away from contributing, you’re likely to have a mutiny on your hands. You don’t want to be responsible for a raging mob that runs the streets of Dallas like they’re in a stinking zombie flick. This is the place to start, Mark. Draft Sam Young and get the summer started right! Take a cue from Obama and quietly chant to yourself, “Yes we can!” Yes we can!” Lock Donnie in his office/playroom and handle this yourself! Please Mark, I’m begging you. Sam Young. Sam Young. Sam Young…